Family and friends of sexual abuse victims

Responding when a loved one tells about sexual abuse

It can be hard to know how you should respond when a friend, family member or partner has experienced sexual abuse. Responding well when a loved one tells you about sexual abuse can make a difference in their recovery. You show support by staying calm, listening, believing, and not blaming them for what happened.

How can you help?

• Believe. When someone tells you about sexual abuse they have experienced, you should believe them and say so out loud.
• Listen. Listen without interrupting or speaking too much. It is normal to want to ask lots of questions but that can make the person feel bad and sound like you blame them for what happened.
• Never blame the person for what happened. Sexual abuse is never the fault of the victim. It does not matter what people are wearing, whether they were under the influence of drugs or alcohol or what their relationship is to the person who inflicted the abuse. Sexual abuse is never OK.
• Let them express their feelings. Let the person cry, scream or be silent if they want to. It can be uncomfortable, but it is important that they are able to express difficult emotions.
• Ask before touching. Many people who have experienced sexual abuse find touch uncomfortable, especially shortly after the offence. Ask whether you can hug them; that also gives them the crucial power to say yes or no.
• Offer help. It’s good to encourage people to seek out help, for example at Bjarkarhlíð, but the decision must always be theirs. Offer to look up where they can seek help and to accompany them to a consultation.

Remember to show patience, the recovery process can take a long time.

Take care of yourself

It is normal to be upset when a loved one experiences abuse. You might experience anger, shock, guilt, and powerlessness. It is important for you to also think about your own well-being. Loved ones of abuse victims can receive support and counselling at Stígamót.