What is coercive control?

When a partner controls your finances, social media, communications with family and friends or other things you should have control over yourself. It does not have to be trough physical violence, but it often consists of psychological abuse.

Common methods include:

• Insulation
• Shaming
• Gaslighting
• Control of daily things (like phone calls, internet use, clothing, and food)
• Persecution

The perpetrator of the abuse can be, for example, a spouse, ex-partner, family member, or caregiver.

Manifestations of coercive control

Coercive control is an umbrella term for many manifestations of violent behaviour. The perpetrator creates a world where the victim is constantly under a microscope. All behaviour is criticized and evaluated on the basis of "rules" that change constantly. This creates an unequal distribution of power in the relationship and traps people in it.

Example:

• Causes an oppressive atmosphere in the home.
• Yells at you, threatens you, or others in the home.
• Lies to confuse you in rhyme, also called gaslighting.
• Often criticizes you, your family, or friends and even keeps you away from them.
• Tries to control with grumpiness, silence, or gets angry suddenly.
• Controls your finances or undermines your ability to manage money.
• Harasses you non-stop with messages, phone calls, or visits.
• Makes you feel like you can't leave the relationship.

The manifestations can also be abnormal behaviour online, for example if a person has strong opinions and wants to control:

• what you post on social media.
• what you view on social media and for how long.
• which apps you use on your phone.
• registration of menstrual cycle in the app and other health information.
• puts a location app on your phone (with or without your knowledge).
• your access to your money.

What can you do?

You have the right to decide what you want and don't want in your life. It's always better to tell someone how you feel, even if you don't know what you can do about it. If you want help, you can contact the service centres for violence: Bjarkarhlíð in Reykjavík, Bjarmahlíð in Akureyri or Sigurhæðir in Selfoss. They specialize in support for adults with all forms of violence. It does not matter how long ago the violence took place.

Children and adults can always talk to someone at 1717 (the Red Cross helpline) or contact 112 by phone or online chat.

For friends and family

Coercive management can be invisible to relatives. It is important not to attack yourself, but to do something about it as soon as possible.

• It's a good idea to step away and look at the big picture.
• Has the person changed a lot in a short time?
• Have they made big decisions that are odd.
• Have they gotten distant from family and friends?
• Do they decline help or excuse the perpetrator's strange behaviour?

It is normal to be afraid what will happen if you talk about violence, and it is therefore unlikely that the person will want to talk about it at first.

We can always help in some way

We can let our loved one know that we are there for them. It is very important to stand by them, both for the victim and children if they are involved. If a restraining order is violated, it must be dealt with at once. If we do nothing about it, the situation will continue to be the same.